Friends...
People often ask politely, “soooo, what is wrong with Chase?", "How do you pay for all those medical bills?". In
the beginning it was actually entertaining to have the random (haven’t heard from
you in 10 years) phone calls, emails and far-removed facebook friends inquire
on my child's condition. I found it particularly odd that someone who you barely
know is sending a message with the preface..”I know it is none of my business…but…”.
Exactly, it is none of your business! I never was rude and always replied in a
short and sweet manor. I was more drawn to the friends or acquaintances who
approached me in the “I have a similar situation..let me know if you need
assistance” messages.
But, the thing
that I remember most, is the calls that I never got. Yeah, Yeah..I know… it IS
time to move on, and I have. But, I am sure that many can relate, when dealt
with a personal crisis – sometimes you except more from people. Sometimes, you
didn’t want the nosey questions regarding the latest test or surgery, but
rather ask “how are YOU doing”, “do YOU need anything??” Not pity, Not Sympathy, just geniune conversation. Then, a revelation..I was looking in the
mirror at the person who I should have been relying on the most.
I
always joke that after the first year (the hardest) was past us and Chase
started sleeping – I was finally a flower that bloomed. I was extremely sleep
deprived. When I finally started to put things in perspective, I reflected on
the first year and appreciated the true friendships that I made. I also learned
to summarize his health in 25 words or less, because, I don’t have to explain
his personal issues. And, I left my venting or questions for my friends that
could relate and facebook boards specific to his diagnosis (es).
My
delivery with Chase was torture, no less. I remember it like yesterday, whoever
said that you forget it, was trippin! Not only did my body reach new heights in
pain, I felt like I could surpass anything. It truly gave me a level of
internal confidence. Just two weeks after his birth, I found that I would need
to reach back to that space, deep inside my soul for courage and strength. It also taught me a valuable lesson, I can
only depend on me. I run this ship, solo. I can not expect the unexpected from
those who are a part of my world, I can only rely on my internal motivation.
This is said, not to discount the people closest to me, that provided strength
and encouragement during these times. But, only to point out the internal
transformation that takes place when a crisis enters your life. I truly think
that my DNA changed, to put it a bit softer, probably a metamorphosis. (Great article from Oprah on Life Changes)
I would
consider myself a “good” person before,
I am honest to admit there was a slight misdirect in personal confidence,
empowerment and focus. I don’t wish this journey on anyone, yet, I wouldn’t
trade it for the world. I have tested my own strength, and proven it to myself.
I am a better mother, a better woman. I see the small things, appreciate the
medium sized successes and embrace the large blessings.
In case you didn’t notice, medical terms were not mentioned
in this blog. It is purely about the journey, most importantly, the selection.
I have strong belief in faith and destiny. I was selected to be the mom of
these boys, triumphs, tribulations, giggles and puke. It’s not perfect, even
today, I have prayed for more strength – juggling it all still proves challenging.
This morning was tough, while doing a tube
feeding (don’t ask what is in it) it exploded in my kitchen – at least 20 feet – at 8am (pre-coffee). I
didn’t get in the shower until 12 and didn't eat my soggy cereal until 12:30. I’m sure that I will be finding green slime
in my hair 2 years from now. It wouldn’t have been
so bad, but it also happened yesterday, and the day before. I was tired, frustrated and out of gas
(mentally..lol).
When I want to
recharge, Erma Bombeck lifts me up. This is my fav read when I need that extra
boost of “come on Stace, you can do this!”
The
Special Mother
**This is old, I replaced the word "Handicapped with Special Needs"
by Erma Bombeck
Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit.
This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of special needs children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of special needs children are chosen?
Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.
"Armstrong, Beth; son. Patron saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."
"Forrest, Marjorie; daughter. Patron saint, Cecelia."
"Rutledge, Carrie; twins. Patron saint, Matthew."
Finally He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a special needs child."
The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God, "Could I give a special needs child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."
"But has she patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it."
"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has her own world. She has to make her live in her world and that's not going to be easy."
"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you." God smiles, "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect - she has just enough selfishness." The angel gasps - "selfishness? is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a 'spoken word'". She will never consider a "step" ordinary. When her child says 'Momma' for the first time, she will be present at a miracle, and will know it!"
"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty, prejudice....and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side".
"And what about her Patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.
God smiles, "A mirror will suffice."
by Erma Bombeck
Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit.
This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of special needs children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of special needs children are chosen?
Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.
"Armstrong, Beth; son. Patron saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."
"Forrest, Marjorie; daughter. Patron saint, Cecelia."
"Rutledge, Carrie; twins. Patron saint, Matthew."
Finally He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a special needs child."
The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God, "Could I give a special needs child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."
"But has she patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it."
"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has her own world. She has to make her live in her world and that's not going to be easy."
"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you." God smiles, "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect - she has just enough selfishness." The angel gasps - "selfishness? is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a 'spoken word'". She will never consider a "step" ordinary. When her child says 'Momma' for the first time, she will be present at a miracle, and will know it!"
"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty, prejudice....and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side".
"And what about her Patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.
God smiles, "A mirror will suffice."
I have regretted not being there for you. But I didn't know. No one told me until much later. I would ask about you and Chase and would hear, "They're fine." I should have asked you directly and I've regretted that since the beginning.
ReplyDeleteCousin Mary